Our IVF journey - Results day...

"Have you ever loved somebody so much, It makes you cry"
"Have you ever needed something so bad, You can't sleep at night"

Well the last line of this song sang by Brandy described me exactly the night before we were due to go to the clinic for our beta hCG test. I couldn't sleep at all, and can't help but to think how the day would be. Hubs had arrived from Jakarta that night to be with me when we go to the clinic the next day. I had some mild spotting that night but didn't think much of it since we were going to the clinic already.

On the morning of results day, things didn't look good. The spotting has progressed to mild bleeding. I informed Hubs immediately and begin to cry. After calming myself down, we went to the clinic anyway for my test. A visit to the toilet after the test revealed more bleeding. We went back to the clinic and informed the nurses. They gave me another progesterone injection and we begin our 2 hours wait for the lab results. I didn't even dare to go to the toilet because it meant that I have to face up to what I feared most in my heart. But I had to go anyway, and it just didn't look good.

I told Hubs that the bleeding has progressed to what I usually experience on Day 1 of menstruation. We even joked that probably it's best to know our fate like this, rather than hear it from the doctor. I just can't help tearing again.

Finally we heard my name being called. And it's a confirmatory no when we finally saw Dr Wong. He explained that probably the genetic makeup of the embryos may have been defective. Unfortunately, we won't really know that because we did not have enough quality embryos to start with. If we had more, the clinic could wait two more days and perform Day-5 transfer where for almost certainty, these Day-5 embryos would have better chance of implantation. Since we only had two viable embryos, the clinic couldn't risk waiting another 2 more days.

I've always thought that gynaecology clinics are such happy and joyful places, filled with beaming proud parents who are eagerly looking forward to that first confirmation of pregnancy, the first glimpse of the tiny beating heart on the ultrasound, the first visual confirmation of a baby boy or a girl, and so forth... However, this joy is not ours to bask in. Not yet anyway.